Noah
by BoardingBensidy
Summary: Olivia and Brian would always remember Noah, no matter how much it hurt.
1. Chapter 1

_I remember your bare feet, down the hallway, I remember your little laugh._

"Every night after brushing your teeth you would smile really big and give a mischievous look. You would hop of your little stool and take off running down the hallway, running from the bedtime monster. I would chase after you and you would just giggle. I'll never forget your little laugh." Olivia blinked as the tears silently gushed down her face.

_Race cars on the kitchen floor, plastic dinosaurs, I love you to the moon and back._

"I always stepped on some sort of toy when I walked into your bedroom to tuck you in. Every night the routine was the same. You would tell me you loved me and I would tell you that I loved you to the moon and back. That will never change." She cleared her throat as she felt it becoming harder to speak.

_I remember you dancing before bed time, then jumping on me, waking me up_

"I'll never forget dancing with you before bedtime with the radio turned up on full blast. I hope you won't forget it either. It won't be the same without you jumping on me in the morning but, somehow, I'll get through. I'll get through for you."

_I can still feel you hold my hand, little man._

"I'll never forget when you grabbed onto my hand and told me you loved me for the last time... you told me you would always be my little man..." she took a moment to compose herself, "you were right."

Brian stood behind her fighting every fiber of his being to control the wracked sobs he could feel coming. Watching his wife come undone was only adding to his undefinable pain. He watched as her shoulders shook and he listened as she breathed heavily into the microphone to gain her composure.

_It's about to be Halloween, you could be anything, you wanted if you were still here._

"Your favorite holiday is coming up and I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I remember last year when you dressed up as a cop. Just like Daddy. You came home with two buckets full and before the night was over you arrested me and Daddy for sneaking pieces of your candy. I miss you more than anything..."

_I remember the last day, when I kissed your face and whispered in your ear..._

"I hope you heard me whispering in your ear that last day." She was coming undone right before everyone. Her whole body was shaking and her vision was blurred. The paper she had planned on reading from had long since fell the floor. "I... I love you so much, Noah. I'm sorry I couldn't save you."

When Olivia was finished she turned around to face the small coffin that was covered in white roses. She through herself over the lid and sobbed, harsh, heartbreaking cries that reverberated throughout the room. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please... Noah, please. Please don't be mad at me. I'm sorry."

_"Liv," Brian said gently placing a hand on her arm, "it wasn't your fault."_

_ Ever since Noah had been diagnosed at the age of three of leukemia Olivia had blamed herself. She shouldn't have worked during the first few months of the pregnancy or she didn't eat as healthy as she could have. Brian tried to convince her that nothing she did could have caused this but she wasn't listening to any of it. The last day in the hospital had been the hardest._

_ "Mommy," Noah's eyes fluttered open as he whispered hoarsely to Olivia. _

_ "Yeah, little man?" she leaned down close to his mouth so she could hear him._

_ "I can't stay anymore," he whispered as he took her hand in his tiny pale one. "I love you and I'll always be your little man."_

_ Olivia lost control and seconds later the alarms blared and doctors rushed in. "No," she cried as she through herself into Brian's arms. "No, no this isn't true. It's just a nightmare. Please! Wake me up," she sobbed into his shirt. "Just wake me up!" _

_I remember the drive home, when the blind hope turned to crying and screaming "Why?" Flowers pile up in the worst way, no one knows what to say, about a beautiful boy who died_

When the service was over Olivia and Brian climbed into the car. Olivia couldn't take the anger any longer and she started hitting the dash board as hard as her waning energy would let her. "Why? Why? Why!" Brian let her cry as he drove them home, hoping she would fall asleep. He needed to grieve too but right now he was keeping it together for her sake.

When he unlocked the door and pushed it open, flowers were piled from floor to ceiling. Everyone took the coward way out and had them delivery because nobody had any words to say. What did you say to someone who just lost their child?

Olivia stood in the middle of the living room with tears still gliding down her cheeks. This had been the hardest week of her life. "Bri..." she whispered.

Brian knew what she needed so he made his way over to her and hugged her tightly, giving her the little comfort he could. "We'll get through this," he whispered as his own tears poured again, "for Noah."

_I remember your bare feet down the hallway. I love you to the moon and back _


	2. Chapter 2

"_What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?"_

It had been three weeks since the funeral and Noah's bedroom door had stayed shut ever since. It was too difficult to walk by and see all of his toys scattered on the floor. It caused too much pain to look in and see the made bed that would never get messed up again.

Olivia had finally managed to pull herself together well enough to clean the house so as she stood in the living room folding clothes, she came across Noah's favorite t-shirt with Buzz Lightyear on the front. Her movements seized as she held the shirt to her chest, thinking of the last time Noah had worn it. Her and Brian had taken him out for ice cream and he had gotten it all over his shirt, leaving himself a sticky mess. Olivia smiled at the memory. She folded the shirt and carried it down the hall to his bedroom where she stood outside the door. Going into his room would make it even more real and she didn't know if she was ready. She took a deep breath and placed her hand on the knob, turning it slowly. She pushed the door open and made her way to his closet where she hung up the shirt on a nice hanger.

"You can still wear it whenever you want, Noah," Olivia whispered, "and I'll leave your toys out for you so you can play with them, too. This room will always be yours." The tears pooled in her eyes as she struggled to maintain her composure.

"_What if I kept the hand-me-downs you won't grow into?"_

"Liv?" Brian had just finished his morning shower when he saw that Noah's bedroom door was open and he knew Olivia had finally ventured in there. He knew the moment would happen sooner or later when they would have to clean it out.

"We can't clean his room." She didn't turn around and Brian could see her shoulders shaking. "We can't get rid of his clothes or his toys because he might want to play with them sometime."

Brian stepped further into the room and carefully placed his arms around Olivia, careful not to startle her. "Okay," he said gently, "we can keep it just how it is."

"_What if I really thought some miracle would see us through?"_

Olivia turned around and buried her head into Brian's chest, needing to feel his touch. She let go and let the harsh sobs leave her body yet again. "It's not fair," she cried, "why didn't God save him? Why did he have to take our boy? I prayed everyday damn it! Every day!"

"I know," Brian soothed, "I know..."

"I guess I thought we were going to receive a miracle."

"We did," Brian said as he gently pulled away so he could look into Olivia's eyes.

"_What if that miracle was even getting one moment with you?"_

"We got to spend four years getting to know our wonderful little boy and help him live the best life possible."

That was it. Olivia lost it. Her knees gave weak and she fell to floor, sobbing in her hands. She missed Noah so much that it was crippling her. Not a second of the day went by where she didn't think about him.

_"Look Mommy! My kite is flying so high!"_

_ Olivia smiled as she sat back and watched Brian and Noah flying a kite in the windy fall air. The smile on Noah's face filled her heart with warmth and joy; something she didn't experience until he had been born._

_ "Can we fly someday, Mommy?"_

_ Olivia chuckled, "maybe, little man."_

"_Come on baby with me we're gonna fly away, from here."_

"He finally gets to fly now," Olivia whispered when she had calmed down, "that's what he always wanted. He wanted to fly like Buzz Lightyear."

Brian nodded and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, "he's alright now, Liv. My mom is with him and the both of them are okay now. He knows how much we love him."

"_Come on baby with me we're gonna fly away, from here..."_

"I wish he would have taken me with him."

"No, you don't," Brian whispered, "it wasn't your time yet. We'll see him again someday." Brian gave Olivia a subtle kiss on her temple before helping her stand up and leading her out of Noah's bedroom. They left the door opened this time, letting Noah know that they still thought about him.

Olivia would never forget the memories she had made with Noah. All of the times they cuddled on the couch and watched movies together. She would remember the times they went to the park and played baseball. The first tooth he ever lost and the look on his face when he found the money the tooth fairy left him. Even the days where Noah was too sick to do anything except snuggle with Olivia, she would remember. How did anyone move on from losing a child?

"_You were my best four years."_


End file.
